Tag Archive for: Significant other

Searching for Love — The One Relationship That Defines Your Life

 

This article continues from part one, The Unwanted Wife — And Why Her Story Might Be Yours. Read part one  → 

We can’t know for sure because Scripture does not say, but one could wonder if Jacob also struggled to know who he was

While seven years of service for the chance to marry Rachel might initially sound romantic, we can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t more about Jacob than Rachel. Was he willing to work those long years to love Rachel…or simply to get someone who made him feel better about himself?

The Bible tells us that the years flew by, but he never stopped watching the clock. At the end, he told Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”

But on the wedding night, in the secrecy of a dark tent, Rachel was replaced with Leah. Jacob didn’t realize it until morning. How? Could it be that he wasn’t in love with Rachel—he was in love with the *idea* of Rachel? 

Though we can’t know exactly what was in Jacob’s heart, we know that false gods work like that. You think they’ll fulfill your deepest hopes, but they always disappoint. Perhaps you could think of it like going to bed with Rachel, but you wake up with Leah—unfulfilled, and unhappy.

Leah, too, was searching for love.

We’re told: “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.” This isn’t about vision—it’s about appearance. Leah wasn’t pretty. She may have been cross-eyed, or simply unattractive. She wasn’t loved by her father. She wasn’t loved by her husband. She wasn’t enough.

And she knew it. We can feel her pain through the names she gives her sons. Her first son, Reuben, means “See, a son”—because God had seen her. But would Jacob? Her second, Simeon, reflects that God had heard her—but her husband still didn’t. Her third, Levi, was born in hope: “Now maybe my husband will become attached to me.” And still, she was unloved.

She tried to earn Jacob’s love through her children, even though she already had the love of God. She used her kids to medicate the pain of rejection. But then—something changed. With her fourth son, Judah, she says, “This time, I will praise the Lord.” Not: “Maybe now he’ll love me.”

Just: praise.

 

Leah finally got it.

She didn’t need a man to give her what only God could. That lesson—hard-won and heartbreaking—is one I wish every young woman today could learn.

Men often chase beauty, hoping sex will make them feel loved. Women often chase commitment, willing to settle for less in exchange for intimacy. Both end up making fools of themselves, trying to get from each other what only God can give.

But how do you break free from romantic lovesickness? You have to see the beauty of Jesus.

Leah—the weak, the rejected—was chosen to bring forth Judah, and through him, the Savior. God had mercy on her. And God chooses not the strong, intelligent, or beautiful, but the ones who know they are weak and ugly and in need of grace.

God took Jacob, the unwanted son, and Leah, the unwanted wife, and through them brought forth Judah.

From Judah came Jesus who gave up divine beauty and glory to become so disfigured and rejected that people couldn’t stand to look at him, who was more beautiful than Rachel, chose to become weaker than Leah—so that we, in all our spiritual ugliness, could become radiant in God’s sight.

It doesn’t matter how you see yourself. It doesn’t matter how others see you. Because of the ugliness of the cross, you are beautiful to God.

May that be the one love—the one relationship—that defines your life.

 

Brad Snyder is a pastor and instructor at St. Croix Lutheran Academy in West St. Paul, MN and serves as the chairman for Conquerors through Christ. 

 

See your true worth through God’s Eyes (Book Recommendation)

Conqueror’s through Christ reviewed the book The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee and considers it a useful guide for those caught in the destructive cycle of self-condemnation or worldly success. “…the point is clear that Christ is the source of our security; Christ is the basis of our worth; Christ is the only one who promises and never fails.” (p. 24) Read our full review of The Search for Significance → 

The Unwanted Wife – And Why Her Story Might Be Yours

Have you ever chased love that left you feeling used, unseen, or simply not enough?

Leah did too—and yet, God chose her to help bring Jesus into the world.

You might be living for romance, sex, or someone else’s approval—just like Jacob. You might be giving yourself away just to feel seen—just like Leah. But none of that will heal the ache in your heart. Only one love can.

Jacob worked seven years for Laban to marry his daughter Rachel. He had fallen deeply in love with her—so much so that those seven years felt like just a few days. When the time was up, Jacob went to claim his bride. Laban threw a feast, there was celebration, and Jacob spent the evening with his new wife. But when he awoke the next morning, it wasn’t Rachel by his side. “There was Leah”—Rachel’s older sister.

Why Leah?

Laban explained that it was their custom to marry off the older daughter before the younger—something that, you’d think, could have been mentioned sometime in the past seven years. Rachel stayed silent, waited out Leah’s wedding week, and then married Jacob too, in exchange for another seven years of labor.

And so Leah found herself in the middle of it all—consummating a marriage with a man who didn’t love her, who didn’t even realize it was her. And she stayed, not just for the week, but for life. She gave Jacob six sons, a daughter, and even her maidservant so that he could have more children she claimed as her own. She competed with Rachel to bear children for the man who loved Rachel more. She bought and sold the right to sleep with her husband. She was neither the deceiver nor the deceived—neither the lover nor the beloved. She had no identity of her own: daughter of a swindler, older sister to the beauty, first wife of a man who loved someone else. She was the mother of his children, but who was she, really? She was “Leah,” but what did that mean? “There was Leah” …but who was she?

Who are you? What’s your identity?

When someone says, “There you are,” who are they talking to? Are you defined by who you sleep with? By who you love? Or by who loves you? Are you defined by what you do? By what others do because of you? Are you the daughter, son, sibling, beauty, victim, or object of someone else’s affection or use? Who are you, really? And how can you know?

“There was Leah.” Why?

One reason is clear: Jesus.

Leah, the first and less-loved wife of Jacob, became the mother of Judah. And in both Matthew 1 and Luke 3, between Jacob and Judah, we find Leah—not named, but there. You and I know her name because of Jesus.

So—who are you?

I don’t know, and honestly, I don’t care who you’ve slept with or why. I don’t know what kind of person you are or what motivates you. I might not even know your name. But still—there you are.

Why? Because of Jesus.

For Jesus. In Jesus. Through Jesus. No matter what else you are, you are his. Bought with his blood—the blood that came from Leah’s line.

Many of us deeply crave the approval of others—even complete strangers. And the closer a relationship becomes, the more powerful and even idolatrous that approval can be. We care what peers think. We care even more what friends, family, and romantic partners think. These are good relationships, but they become dangerous when they become ultimate—when they compete with the love and affection that belong to God alone.

In a culture that downplays commitment and redefines marriage, Christians can react by swinging too far in the other direction, idolizing marriage as the pinnacle of life: love, family, kids, the white picket fence.

But Jesus never says that marriage will heal you. He never claims that romantic love will save you. He points to himself. Not the one who promises to spend their life with you, but the one who gave his life for you.

That is the relationship that defines your life—now and forever.

Jesus is the one who heals. He is the one who saves.

 

Brad Snyder is a pastor and instructor at St. Croix Lutheran Academy in West St. Paul, MN and serves as the chairman for Conquerors through Christ. 

 

See your true worth through God’s Eyes (Book Recommendation)

Conqueror’s through Christ reviewed the book The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee and considers it a useful guide for those caught in the destructive cycle of self-condemnation or worldly success. “…the point is clear that Christ is the source of our security; Christ is the basis of our worth; Christ is the only one who promises and never fails.” (p. 24) Read our full review of The Search for Significance → 

FAQ

How long will this anger last?

No one can tell you how long the anger will last. It may be weeks or months, and hopefully not longer.  There will be times throughout the first year – maybe even into the second – when anger will return when a phrase, a smell, a person, or a sound trigger the painful memories. If you find yourself constantly angry, if it is disrupting life and the peace in your heart, seek professional counsel.

FAQ

How do I know if my spouse, who is an addict, is telling me the truth now?

This is a hard one. Be as open and fair as possible, and work to make a judgment based on analysis of all actions. Is there a change? Has help been sought? Is there a sponsor of some kind? These resources encourage honesty.

FAQ

To whom can I talk for support (and should I talk to others or keep silent)?

Be somewhat careful about opening up. We recommend that you do not to open up to all your friends and family.  Some will be supportive, some will struggle to understand – and some may be very critical of you or your spouse. Speak with a counselor. Find a support group like COSA, AL-ANON or S-ANON.  It would be better to keep quiet than to speak with a friend who will be critical or non supportive of you.

FAQ

Should I serve as my spouse’s encourager/accountability partner?

No, you should not.  Your role is to be something different than their police officer, parent, or guard rail.  They need someone who understands addiction; someone who has been there and is working recovery.  It is also beneficial if the encourager/accountability partner is the same gender.

FAQ

What is my responsibility in my spouse’s recovery?

Your job is your recovery. You cannot Recover for someone else. Pestering or pressuring someone to Recover will not work. Cooperation and teamwork are valuable because they give responsibility to all parties involved.

For your personal recovery, focus on your vocations. Be the family member, church member, and member of society that God made you to be.

FAQ

How much should I (do I) want to know about what my spouse does when viewing porn?

This depends on you.  You have 4 options:

  1. Do nothing, know nothing and go on as if life is just fine. (It won’t stay that way.)
  2. Know every detail of everything. This can be dangerous because detail can get in the way of forgiveness.
  3. Know the “types” of things your partner has done.
  4. Know the basic actions – watched porn, went to a sex shop, had an affair, visited a prostitute – so you know how to protect your marriage.
  5. Simply know they are addicted to porn or sex and try to move forward.
FAQ

Exactly what is a porn (sexual) addiction?

Porn and sex addiction take place when a person has taken him/herself out of the context of right and wrong, losing control and the power of choice. It includes lust, in any form, and sex in any form, including sex with oneself.  

FAQ

My spouse looks at porn once in a while, but not very often. Is that ok? How much is too much?

Any porn use is too much. Porn always leads to exploration down dangerous avenues. Even if a person were able to avoid becoming addicted, watching porn leaves marriage behind and replaces it with lusting after another in his heart and mind.

Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart.

(Matthew 5:28)