Tag Archive for: Significant other

FAQ

Does God see pornography as physically cheating on your spouse/significant other?

Remember that anything that is contrary to God’s Word and will is sin, whether it is our thoughts, our words or our deeds. Jesus warns us: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19). Our Savior also warned in his sermon on the mount: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Viewing pornography is heart sexual immorality (for single people) and heart adultery (for married people)—sins against God. The child of God will want to escape and avoid the sin of pornography. They can and will do this by remembering that God has cleansed them from all of their sins which empowers them to “leave their life of sin.”

FAQ

I have a friend who I think might be looking at porn – what should I do (or not do)?

Talk to your friend about it. Tell the person why you suspect he or she might be viewing porn and make it clear you are concerned and want to help. Tell the person that he or she is forgiven through Christ. Recommend this website. Offer to be an accountability partner. Offer to help the person find the right people that can help him or her (pastors, Christian counselors, etc). Pray for your friend often.

Do not minimize or rationalize the sin.  (If the person is in denial, help him or her understand how serious the sin is.)  On the other hand, do not condemn the person.  Do not act as if the sin is unforgiveable or worse than all other sins that God detests (pride, selfishness, etc.).

FAQ

Pornography Use: Sin or Disease? Sin or Addiction?

The distinction regarding pornography use – is it a sin or an addiction? …and if it is an addiction, is it a disease like appendicitis that we have no control over? – has been argued about for some time.  The same arguement exists regarding alcohol use.

Pastor James Berger in John Cook’s book, Conquerors Through Christ, answered the question regarding sin or disease regarding alcohol abuse/addiction by saying that alcohol abuse/addiction is both sin and disease.  One does not become diseased with alcohol addiction without the sin of abusing alcohol in some way.  He called the person addicted to alcohol a person caught in a sin.  “Caught in a sin” is his key phrase.

An alcoholic does not become addicted to alcohol without bending the elbow to get the drink to his or her mouth.  One does not become addicted to pornography without using it.  If you search the Bible carefully you will note that drunkenness is the sin, not the glass of wine that we drink or the beer that we sip.  Lust is the sin, not the nude picture or the act of intercourse between husband and wife.  God gave us sex as a blessing.  God gave us alcohol as a blessing.  It is when we abuse either that we sin.

We abuse God’s blessing of sex upon a man and a woman in marriage with lustful desires for anyone not our spouse.  We abuse God’s gift of sex with adultery and fornication.  Matthew 5:27-28  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Addiction is the continual and habitual use of something that is sinful or the abuse of something that is given by God as a blessing in such a way that it becomes a powerful, controlling force in our lives.  An addiction is something physiological in the brain that compels us to keep on doing that which we, as Christians, know is displeasing to God.  When that happens the addiction rules our lives, not our God.  We are caught in the sin of abusing the thing to which we are addicted.

According to some scientific studies, the brain activity and pleasure intensity is the same for both:

  • The person sinning in lust as he or she views porn
  • The person addicted to the pleasure provided by crack cocaine

It does not take long for the brain to crave the pleasure of crack cocaine or the pleasure of lust and porn use.  When the brain begins to demand that it be pleasured, the pathways of the brain change.  When this change happens, the addiction happens.  The lust and the abuse come first.  The sin is there with the lust and the abuse.  The word, “addiction,” describes being “caught in the sin.”  It is not only a sinful feeling and a spiritually sinful abuse of a blessing from God, it has also become a physical corruption in the brain.

An addicted person will always be an addict for his or her whole life.  But when the addict stops the sin – the abuse and misuse of sex with lust or porn – then our God of love has blessed him or her again.  No person caught in a sin gets set free without Christ.  Jesus Christ is the power that is greater than any chains of sin or addiction. Repentance is being sorry for sin, trusting in God’s forgiveness, and turning away from that sin.  There are fruits to repentance.  The cravings and the desire may still be there for the addicted person.  But the continued misuse of God’s blessings is no longer there.  Sinful lust no longer controls the person, but is banished when it enters the mind.  By God’s grace in Christ there is forgiveness.  A sanctified Christian life in recovery is being lived with the help of God.

In God there is victory!  In our Triune God we are more than conquerors.

FAQ

Why do you recommend a Christian counselor? Won’t just any counselor work?

Not necessarily. While there are many available qualified counselors, not all of them specialize in sexual sins. To be honest – many secular counselors may not even see porn viewing, adultery, or living together outside of marriage as wrong. In addition, some Christian counselors under-emphasize the motivational role provided by the gospel good news which is vital for this struggle. On our web site we provide a list of counselors who specialize in the area of sexual sins and understand the powerful motivation provided by Jesus (For Christ’s love us… 2 Cor 5:14).

FAQ

You often recommend counseling, but isn’t counseling expensive?

While professional counseling is rarely on the “value menu”, consider this—The progression of your porn problem will cost you immensely more than any counselor will charge.  If you lose your marriage, your job, your reputation, or your faith, you will lose something much more valuable than a few hundred dollars.  Think of it in reverse—If you could pay a few hundred dollars and relive the last few years of your life without the wreckage of porn, would you?  Of course!  So, don’t let a week’s paycheck get in the way of your path to years of future victory over this sin.

FAQ

I just found out my husband has been looking at porn – I am so shocked and so hurt. Is this my fault?

First of all, we are so sorry for your pain. And no, this is not your fault. What your husband has been doing is wrong, but you did not cause him to sin. We are all responsible for our own actions.

Because of the deep emotional wound this sin causes, you will likely need spiritual and professional help (pastor, Christian counselor) overcoming your hurt. Similarly, your husband will need help overcoming his sin.  If your husband is willing to get the help he needs, praise God.  Encourage him to follow through. Though it may seem impossible at the moment, at some point, we pray by God’s grace you can forgive your husband and be part of the help he needs.  Your support and loving accountability can play key roles is his eventual victory over this sin.

If your husband out of fear or denial is not ready to get help, pray for him.  Show him this web site.  Seek help for yourself and request the prayers of your pastor or Christian counselor for him.

FAQ

My boyfriend just told me he likes to look at porn. Will he stop when we get married? What if he doesn’t?

I am sorry for the heart-breaking news you received from your boyfriend. It is never easy to hear that someone you like “likes” to look at other women in a sexual way.

Let me offer one comment to your statement and two answers to your questions:

Comment:
Your boyfriend says he likes to look at porn. Does that mean he is admitting/confessing that his sinful nature is drawn to it (like hundreds of millions/billions of people)? Or does that he mean he likes it and plans to keep looking at it with no regard for you, for God, or for the clear passages of Scripture about porn (Eph. 5, 1 Cor. 6, Mt. 5, etc.)?

My answer to your questions is nearly entirely based on his attitude towards his sin.

Answer #1: 
Will he stop when you get married? I don’t know. We at CtC know conquering habitual porn use is not easy, but it is possible. With a constant reliance on God’s love for sexual sinners and a constant willingness to confess sexual sin to others (friends, pastors, counselors, significant others, etc.), there is incredible hope that porn will become part of his past.

But make no mistake–Getting married, having sex, etc. will not “cure” his problem. Sin is stubborn and porn will not go down without a fight. (That’s why I mentioned above that his desire to fight this sin is so crucial.)

Answer #2:
What if he doesn’t stop? If he has no plans to stop, I would caution you against marrying him. A man who vows to love you but plans to despise you through his porn use knows nothing about Christian love and will break your heart with his digital harem.

If, however, he hates his sin, loves Jesus, and wants to love you with pure eyes and a sexuality that belongs only to your marriage, then the choice is up to you. You have idols, too, and he has to wrestle with the same question–Is he ready to love someone who will sin against him? Are you ready to walk with him on this long journey that leads to heaven, even if it means he battles porn for years, if not decades of your marriage?

I can’t tell you what to do (nor is that my place). I can, however, tell you that a man who loves God, hates sin, and wants to go to war against porn is a great man with a great Spirit within him. Those are the ones you might not want to let go of.

FAQ

I just found porn in my husband’s office. What do I do? Should I tell anyone?

First of all, our hearts go out to you. Stumbling upon a betrayal of trust and fidelity is a painful experience, so we are praying for you and your husband.

What should you do? The first step would be to gently and firmly confront him. Galatians 6 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” You caught your husband in his sin. Now, it’s time to restore him.

As you prepare for that conversation, pray for humility despite your hurt. Pray for a stubborn belief that his feelings in the moment are not as important as his future with you (and God!). Yes, he will probably not react perfectly, but God allowed you to find his stash for a reason. God wants to save your husband from the porn that will kill so many of the things he loves.

If he repents and apologizes to you and to God, forgive him. Tell him about the Jesus who died to save sexual sinners. Love him despite his sin, just like Jesus loves you despite yours. Continue to show him respect and kindness, even though he doesn’t deserve it.

If he doesn’t repent, pray for him and refuse to drop the issue. His soul is too valuable to do anything less.

As far as telling others, that is really a judgment call. I wouldn’t call the pastor, his best friend, or a counselor just because you found his porn. Instead, I would encourage him to take that step himself. Help him to see the value of a band of brothers to help him in the struggle. You can use CtC’s videos/resources to encourage him to do just that.

If he minimizes it and blows you off, tell him you need to get others involved. Show him 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 and insist that his soul is too important to you and you won’t let his pride be the cause of his condemnation. I hope it doesn’t get to this point, but what matters most is his eternity.

Blessings on your upcoming conversation. May the Holy Spirit guide you and give you the right words at the right time!