You did nothing wrong. You probably were a good wife. It is an addiction, not a response. He was looking for the feeling he gets from the pursuit and the guilty pleasure. He is always looking for another fix, another high, just like a drug addict. As long as he is in the addiction, no one will be “good enough”.
You don’t need to compete. Remember that addiction is not the same as reality. This addiction has less to do with you, who you are, what you look like, or what you’re willing to do and more to do with an activity that leads to a feeling – the pursuit of guilty pleasure. Addicts always seek another high. Understanding this will free you to be yourself, and you are a 3-dimensional person who cares. The models in porn can’t compete with that.
Let’s broaden the concept: if this addiction were alcohol, gambling, or drugs and you hadn’t known until now, would you also feel your marriage was a lie? Addiction controls addicts – they build up a tolerance and dive in further so they can feel satisfied again. Can an addict still love and feel love for family? Yes, they can. We strongly advise that you seek counsel using Conquerors through Christ’s resources and get help in personal recovery before you make any final decision on your marriage.
You do not have to lie, but neither should you be the one to share his problems. Take 30 minutes and write out some potential, hypothetical responses for different social situations. This way, you’ll be prepared if questions come up and avoid saying more than you intend to share. You may even want to practice these responses when you are alone.
Here are some samples:
No one has the right to pressure you to say more than you are comfortable with at the time. Listen to your friend’s responses, and if you feel comfortable you can share more, but only when you are ready. Be aware that a group dynamic is different from a personal conversation.
You feel hurt. You feel damaged. Therefore, step 1 looks inward: you need to take real, personal care of yourself. You should seriously consider finding a counselor to help you through this tough stage. Whether or not you choose to connect with a counselor, there are good resources available. Conquerors through Christ is constantly producing new resources to encourage, equip, and inspire you. COSA (Codependents of Sexual Addiction) is a support program for spouses. If there is a chapter near you, you may want to start attending. These resources will give you a safe place to begin your recovery.
These are wonderful questions for all of us to consider, not just those who are struggling with the killer we call porn. Without being too simplistic, this question can be answered with one word: Jesus. Psalm 73:25 says, “Earth has nothing I desire but you.” The Psalmist is pointing us to God alone for the answer to our greatest desires. Paul agrees in Ephesians 1 when he tells us that every spiritual blessing is found “in Christ.”
What does that mean practically? It means truly knowing Jesus and realizing what he’s giving you right here and right now. Once the Holy Spirit starts to open your eyes, you will find immense joy even as you deal with the painful situations of this sin-filled world. For example…You have a perfect spouse in Jesus. Jesus is the one who laid down his life for his bride, the Church (all believers). You have one who pursues you, calls you beautiful, and truly keeps his vows to you. You are pure in Jesus. Jesus washed you of your sin (1 Cor. 6) and made you holy in God’s sight (Col. 1). You couldn’t be better looking or more spotless than you are right now (!!!) in Jesus. You have an eternity of joyful days in Jesus. Paul said in Romans 8 that the tears of this world are not even worth comparing to what’s waiting for us at Jesus’ side. You have purpose in Jesus. Even if porn ruined your dreams for life, Jesus still has good works lined up for you to do (Eph. 2). Who knows? Maybe God will use the pain porn caused to help you do good to many others.
We could go on and on. You asked where to start and my answer is–Jesus. Dig down deep into his promises and put down some deep gospel roots. That is what you’ll need to be blessed and rejoice despite the dark days porn brings.
A few basic ideas are crucial for you right now:
This depends on a whole host of issues, so you’ll want to see a pastor for more specific advice. If you aren’t married, then no. You don’t HAVE to stay in that relationship. If you are married, then maybe. Did they cross the “flesh line” and physically cheat? Are they battling this sin with repentance and the gospel? Are they sorry for the sin and trying to love you – or have you been deserted by them, immersed in marriage-wrecking porn? There are too many variables to answer such a vital question simply. Once again, please see your pastor to help you through this painful time.
On a very basic level, forgiveness is the answer. Keeping a record of wrongs, throwing his sin in his face, punishing him with a lack of love/respect because of his sin will quickly detonate any hope you have a beautiful, God-exalting relationship. “Forgive one another just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph. 4:32) On a deeper level, you probably need the help of a mature Christian friend, a qualified counselor, and/or a pastor who loves you both and can guide you with God’s Word.
Porn kills. Porn is killing your intimacy, your trust, and your joy in being with your husband sexually. Is your husband sorry for his sin? Is he battling porn? Is he a struggling sinner or is he accepting this intimacy-murdering sin as something normal for guys to do? Is he kind and compassionate to you or is he defensive and demanding sexually?
Let’s assume that your husband is crushed by his sin and is generally loving towards you. If he’s not, I might recommend a different approach, so please read the following with that assumption in mind.
First, you would be surprised how men and women view porn differently. Lust and love are two different things, though women tend to view them as the same. A male porn addict is typically not in love – marital love – with the object of his lust. At the same time, men fail to realize that their lustful addiction makes women question their beauty and worth.
Second, it is vital for you to understand your own place in this situation. Try not to speak to him from a place of “perfection,” but with the compassionate heart of a person who understands how valuable forgiveness is.
Finally, and this is the hardest point to address, punishing your husband by denying him godly intimacy is rarely wise because it is one-sided – it is not adding to your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to keep being intimate, though. Sitting down with him, talking through a resolution, and setting aside a time of no sex can have value, but it should be mutual – the two of you are together in this battle. (If there are other issues of coercion, abuse, pressure, etc. in your marriage, please seek immediate help/professional counseling.) 1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that serving each other sexually helps protect our spouses from sexual sin. Your husband must relearn what it means to pursue you and take care of you in an intimate context. You can help him avoid the temptation to pursue sexual gratification from porn by being clear and honest about your sexual desires and by caring for his.