FAQ

This depends on you.  You have 4 options:

  1. Do nothing, know nothing and go on as if life is just fine. (It won’t stay that way.)
  2. Know every detail of everything. This can be dangerous because detail can get in the way of forgiveness.
  3. Know the “types” of things your partner has done.
  4. Know the basic actions – watched porn, went to a sex shop, had an affair, visited a prostitute – so you know how to protect your marriage.
  5. Simply know they are addicted to porn or sex and try to move forward.
FAQ

Porn and sex addiction take place when a person has taken him/herself out of the context of right and wrong, losing control and the power of choice. It includes lust, in any form, and sex in any form, including sex with oneself.  

FAQ

Any porn use is too much. Porn always leads to exploration down dangerous avenues. Even if a person were able to avoid becoming addicted, watching porn leaves marriage behind and replaces it with lusting after another in his heart and mind.

Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart.

(Matthew 5:28)

FAQ

In a case like this, addiction has likely replaced relationship. Porn’s advantage (and lie) is that it is always new and different. Your addicted spouse needs to admit that they are addicted before any progress can be made.

FAQ

First of all, even when it feels like you are, you are never alone – Christ is always with you. He promises to never leave or forsake you. Next, find a counselor to talk with, preferably one who is familiar with sex/porn addiction. Use the internet to find one (Conquerors through Christ has a list of trusted counselors.) Find a supportive group in which to participate, such as COSA, Heart to Heart Partners, or even ALANON. Groups like these help you understand that you are not alone in the struggle of living with an addict.

FAQ

You did nothing wrong.  You probably were a good wife. It is an addiction, not a response.  He was looking for the feeling he gets from the pursuit and the guilty pleasure.  He is always looking for another fix, another high, just like a drug addict.  As long as he is in the addiction, no one will be “good enough”.

FAQ

You don’t need to compete. Remember that addiction is not the same as reality. This addiction has less to do with you, who you are, what you look like, or what you’re willing to do and more to do with an activity that leads to a feeling – the pursuit of guilty pleasure.  Addicts always seek another high. Understanding this will free you to be yourself, and you are a 3-dimensional person who cares. The models in porn can’t compete with that.

FAQ

Find comfort and hope in the great promises of God. “Cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Try to take it one day at a time and one prayer at a time. Allow yourself time for sadness – it clears the heart and mind. Find good counsel, whether it is with a loved one, a pastor, or a professional counselor. Go through the cycles of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sorrow, and Acceptance. Anger can be justified, but it should not last months and should never be violent.

FAQ

Let’s broaden the concept: if this addiction were alcohol, gambling, or drugs and you hadn’t known until now, would you also feel your marriage was a lie? Addiction controls addicts – they build up a tolerance and dive in further so they can feel satisfied again. Can an addict still love and feel love for family? Yes, they can. We strongly advise that you seek counsel using Conquerors through Christ’s resources and get help in personal recovery before you make any final decision on your marriage.

FAQ

You do not have to lie, but neither should you be the one to share his problems. Take 30 minutes and write out some potential, hypothetical responses for different social situations. This way, you’ll be prepared if questions come up and avoid saying more than you intend to share. You may even want to practice these responses when you are alone.

Here are some samples:

  • “We are having some difficulties right now.”
  • “We have some issues to work through, so we’re separated for a while – until things are settled.”  
  • “We are seeking help as we work through some things.”
  • You can even be very vague: “It’s hard, but we’re working.”

No one has the right to pressure you to say more than you are comfortable with at the time. Listen to your friend’s responses, and if you feel comfortable you can share more, but only when you are ready. Be aware that a group dynamic is different from a personal conversation.