FAQ

Will I ever be able to be happy again? Where do I start?

These are wonderful questions for all of us to consider, not just those who are struggling with the killer we call porn. Without being too simplistic, this question can be answered with one word: Jesus. Psalm 73:25 says, “Earth has nothing I desire but you.” The Psalmist is pointing us to God alone for the answer to our greatest desires. Paul agrees in Ephesians 1 when he tells us that every spiritual blessing is found “in Christ.”

What does that mean practically? It means truly knowing Jesus and realizing what he’s giving you right here and right now. Once the Holy Spirit starts to open your eyes, you will find immense joy even as you deal with the painful situations of this sin-filled world. For example…You have a perfect spouse in Jesus. Jesus is the one who laid down his life for his bride, the Church (all believers). You have one who pursues you, calls you beautiful, and truly keeps his vows to you. You are pure in Jesus. Jesus washed you of your sin (1 Cor. 6) and made you holy in God’s sight (Col. 1). You couldn’t be better looking or more spotless than you are right now (!!!) in Jesus. You have an eternity of joyful days in Jesus. Paul said in Romans 8 that the tears of this world are not even worth comparing to what’s waiting for us at Jesus’ side. You have purpose in Jesus. Even if porn ruined your dreams for life, Jesus still has good works lined up for you to do (Eph. 2). Who knows? Maybe God will use the pain porn caused to help you do good to many others.

We could go on and on. You asked where to start and my answer is–Jesus. Dig down deep into his promises and put down some deep gospel roots. That is what you’ll need to be blessed and rejoice despite the dark days porn brings.

FAQ

How do I deal with discovering that my loved one is a porn addict?

A few basic ideas are crucial for you right now:

  • Personal repentance: Make sure to consistently confess your own sin against God and against him. That will keep your heart tender and your spirit compassionate.
  • Prayer: God changes things through prayer. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other,” James said, “so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16) Don’t underestimate the power of a prayer in Jesus’ name. Pray for the heart. Pray for eyes to be opened to the goodness of God that led our Father to label lust as demonic and destructive. Pray for your ability to forgive and love just as Jesus loves you.
  • Community: You need mature Christian friends to help you through this. You don’t need “friends” who pounce and just get angry just to make you feel better. You do need friends who love the addict, love their soul, love your marriage, and will be honest with you both. The Proverbs say, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses,” so turn to friends who will be honest with you for the sake of your marriage and your spiritual health.
FAQ

Am I obligated to stay with a porn-addicted spouse?

This depends on a whole host of issues, so you’ll want to see a pastor for more specific advice. If you aren’t married, then no. You don’t HAVE to stay in that relationship. If you are married, then maybe. Did they cross the “flesh line” and physically cheat? Are they battling this sin with repentance and the gospel? Are they sorry for the sin and trying to love you – or have you been deserted by them, immersed in marriage-wrecking porn? There are too many variables to answer such a vital question simply. Once again, please see your pastor to help you through this painful time.

FAQ

How do I stay with him after everything he’s done?

On a very basic level, forgiveness is the answer. Keeping a record of wrongs, throwing his sin in his face, punishing him with a lack of love/respect because of his sin will quickly detonate any hope you have a beautiful, God-exalting relationship. “Forgive one another just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph. 4:32) On a deeper level, you probably need the help of a mature Christian friend, a qualified counselor, and/or a pastor who loves you both and can guide you with God’s Word.

FAQ

Since I discovered that my husband looks at porn, I can’t stand sexual contact. I despise that there are these hidden, digital sexual partners. What do I do?

Porn kills. Porn is killing your intimacy, your trust, and your joy in being with your husband sexually. Is your husband sorry for his sin? Is he battling porn? Is he a struggling sinner or is he accepting this intimacy-murdering sin as something normal for guys to do? Is he kind and compassionate to you or is he defensive and demanding sexually?

Let’s assume that your husband is crushed by his sin and is generally loving towards you. If he’s not, I might recommend a different approach, so please read the following with that assumption in mind.

First, you would be surprised how men and women view porn differently. Lust and love are two different things, though women tend to view them as the same. A male porn addict is typically not in love – marital love – with the object of his lust. At the same time, men fail to realize that their lustful addiction makes women question their beauty and worth.
Second, it is vital for you to understand your own place in this situation. Try not to speak to him from a place of “perfection,” but with the compassionate heart of a person who understands how valuable forgiveness is.

Finally, and this is the hardest point to address, punishing your husband by denying him godly intimacy is rarely wise because it is one-sided – it is not adding to your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to keep being intimate, though. Sitting down with him, talking through a resolution, and setting aside a time of no sex can have value, but it should be mutual – the two of you are together in this battle. (If there are other issues of coercion, abuse, pressure, etc. in your marriage, please seek immediate help/professional counseling.) 1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that serving each other sexually helps protect our spouses from sexual sin. Your husband must relearn what it means to pursue you and take care of you in an intimate context. You can help him avoid the temptation to pursue sexual gratification from porn by being clear and honest about your sexual desires and by caring for his.

FAQ

Is fantasizing sin?

If you mean fantasizing (dreaming) about engaging in sex with someone you’re not married to, then those thoughts would dishonor marriage and God (Hebrews 13:4). This is not who God made you to be. God calls all people to believe in his Son as their Savior. When the Holy Spirit creates that saving faith in your heart, you become a temple of the Holy Spirit, which will compel you to honor God with their whole being—mind, soul and body. So yes, it is sin – but it is also a sin Jesus paid the price to forgive.

FAQ

Does God see pornography as physically cheating on your spouse/significant other?

Remember that anything that is contrary to God’s Word and will is sin, whether it is our thoughts, our words or our deeds. Jesus warns us: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19). Our Savior also warned in his sermon on the mount: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Viewing pornography is heart sexual immorality (for single people) and heart adultery (for married people)—sins against God. The child of God will want to escape and avoid the sin of pornography. They can and will do this by remembering that God has cleansed them from all of their sins which empowers them to “leave their life of sin.”

FAQ

How do you get feeling “pure” again after sinning sexually, especially with all of the guilt and shame that comes along with these sins?

“Feelings” are fickle because they come and go. We must ALWAYS go back to the cross, day in and day out, and there confess our sins and believe they are forgiven because God has said they are. There we can be confident in being pure again because God promises it is so. He assures us that we are washed “clean” in the blood of his Son shed on the cross for us. Remember God’s promise to you through Jeremiah in 31:34: “I will forgive their wickedness and remember their sins no more.” Remember what God promises in Romans 8:1: “Therefore there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Other promises of God for us to remember are found in Isaiah 65:3, John 15:3, 1 Corinthians 6:11, Ephesians 5:26, Hebrews 9:14 and 1 John 1:7.

FAQ

I have a friend who I think might be looking at porn – what should I do (or not do)?

Talk to your friend about it. Tell the person why you suspect he or she might be viewing porn and make it clear you are concerned and want to help. Tell the person that he or she is forgiven through Christ. Recommend this website. Offer to be an accountability partner. Offer to help the person find the right people that can help him or her (pastors, Christian counselors, etc). Pray for your friend often.

Do not minimize or rationalize the sin.  (If the person is in denial, help him or her understand how serious the sin is.)  On the other hand, do not condemn the person.  Do not act as if the sin is unforgiveable or worse than all other sins that God detests (pride, selfishness, etc.).

FAQ

What do I do if I’m single and have no godly option for my sexual urges?

You may be surprised to know that sex within marriage doesn’t cure pornography addiction.  Those who entered marriage with a porn problem soon find that they still have a porn problem!  Therefore, don’t allow the Devil to deceive into thinking this will fix itself if you get married.  The time to act is now both for your own sake and the sake of your future spouse, if you do get married in the future.  Finally, remember that the God who created you as a sexual being is able to sustain and strengthen you for purity, even if that means a life of celibacy like the Apostle Paul or Jesus himself.