Tag Archive for: Reject

FAQ

I have a friend who I think might be looking at porn – what should I do (or not do)?

Talk to your friend about it. Tell the person why you suspect he or she might be viewing porn and make it clear you are concerned and want to help. Tell the person that he or she is forgiven through Christ. Recommend this website. Offer to be an accountability partner. Offer to help the person find the right people that can help him or her (pastors, Christian counselors, etc). Pray for your friend often.

Do not minimize or rationalize the sin.  (If the person is in denial, help him or her understand how serious the sin is.)  On the other hand, do not condemn the person.  Do not act as if the sin is unforgiveable or worse than all other sins that God detests (pride, selfishness, etc.).

FAQ

Ok – so maybe I am addicted. Now what do I do?

  1. Pray. Tell God about what you have been doing. It shouldn’t be all that hard, after all, He already knows. He’s just waiting for you to come to him so he can tell you that he he loves you and has forgiven you.
  2. Watch our videos and explore the web site— they summarize the steps to follow to get porn out of your life.
  3. Take the hardest step—tell someone—your pastor, a trusted friend, your spouse, or a Christian counselor. This is an sin we can almost guarantee you will not be able to “fix” on your own. You will need help. But the good news is there IS help available. But you must seek it out.  Satan will seek to keep you isolated and weak.  Don’t let him.
  4. Seek ongoing support in the form of counseling and accountability.  This is a battle and Satan will not let his grip on you go without a treamendous struggle.
  5. Thank God for the victories and cry for mercy for any failures along the way.
FAQ

I‘m not addicted to porn, I just look at it on occasion when I’m bored or stressed. Should I be worried?

YES – Absolutely. Thank God if you are not addicted…but get help NOW before you are. Many do not even realize they have passed the point of addiciton.  The scary thing about porn is that it attacks your brain and changes the way you think and act. The “thrill” you get from watching porn becomes ingrained in the brain and makes you always want more. Counselors tell us that because of the easy availability and frequency of use, this is one of the hardest addictions to break.  Like other highly addicitive substances, porn viewing has other highly damaging consequences, such as:

  • You eventually need more and stronger “porn drugs”. Your craving most often will lead to desiring more extreme or deviant kinds of pornography.
  • Men who watch porn (even though they may are not be “addicted”) can even have erectile dysfunction problems because of the effects of porn on their brain. This can cause problems in marriages—both current and future.

Please talk to your pastor or a good Christian counselor about getting help before you do become addicted.

FAQ

Pornography Use: Sin or Disease? Sin or Addiction?

The distinction regarding pornography use – is it a sin or an addiction? …and if it is an addiction, is it a disease like appendicitis that we have no control over? – has been argued about for some time.  The same arguement exists regarding alcohol use.

Pastor James Berger in John Cook’s book, Conquerors Through Christ, answered the question regarding sin or disease regarding alcohol abuse/addiction by saying that alcohol abuse/addiction is both sin and disease.  One does not become diseased with alcohol addiction without the sin of abusing alcohol in some way.  He called the person addicted to alcohol a person caught in a sin.  “Caught in a sin” is his key phrase.

An alcoholic does not become addicted to alcohol without bending the elbow to get the drink to his or her mouth.  One does not become addicted to pornography without using it.  If you search the Bible carefully you will note that drunkenness is the sin, not the glass of wine that we drink or the beer that we sip.  Lust is the sin, not the nude picture or the act of intercourse between husband and wife.  God gave us sex as a blessing.  God gave us alcohol as a blessing.  It is when we abuse either that we sin.

We abuse God’s blessing of sex upon a man and a woman in marriage with lustful desires for anyone not our spouse.  We abuse God’s gift of sex with adultery and fornication.  Matthew 5:27-28  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Addiction is the continual and habitual use of something that is sinful or the abuse of something that is given by God as a blessing in such a way that it becomes a powerful, controlling force in our lives.  An addiction is something physiological in the brain that compels us to keep on doing that which we, as Christians, know is displeasing to God.  When that happens the addiction rules our lives, not our God.  We are caught in the sin of abusing the thing to which we are addicted.

According to some scientific studies, the brain activity and pleasure intensity is the same for both:

  • The person sinning in lust as he or she views porn
  • The person addicted to the pleasure provided by crack cocaine

It does not take long for the brain to crave the pleasure of crack cocaine or the pleasure of lust and porn use.  When the brain begins to demand that it be pleasured, the pathways of the brain change.  When this change happens, the addiction happens.  The lust and the abuse come first.  The sin is there with the lust and the abuse.  The word, “addiction,” describes being “caught in the sin.”  It is not only a sinful feeling and a spiritually sinful abuse of a blessing from God, it has also become a physical corruption in the brain.

An addicted person will always be an addict for his or her whole life.  But when the addict stops the sin – the abuse and misuse of sex with lust or porn – then our God of love has blessed him or her again.  No person caught in a sin gets set free without Christ.  Jesus Christ is the power that is greater than any chains of sin or addiction. Repentance is being sorry for sin, trusting in God’s forgiveness, and turning away from that sin.  There are fruits to repentance.  The cravings and the desire may still be there for the addicted person.  But the continued misuse of God’s blessings is no longer there.  Sinful lust no longer controls the person, but is banished when it enters the mind.  By God’s grace in Christ there is forgiveness.  A sanctified Christian life in recovery is being lived with the help of God.

In God there is victory!  In our Triune God we are more than conquerors.

FAQ

I’m a pastor so am very familiar with helping people who sin, but not very familiar with porn addiction. How can I best help someone who comes to me with this problem?

You know what you need to know to offer the person forgiveness. Do that as you would for any sin. But because of the nature of this addiction, it is highly recommended that you refer him or her to a good Christian counselor who specializes in porn addiction. This will offer the person the best chance for recovery from the addiction. But you will likely still need to be the primary individual there to help your member with day-to-day spiritual doubts and struggles.

FAQ

Why do you recommend a Christian counselor? Won’t just any counselor work?

Not necessarily. While there are many available qualified counselors, not all of them specialize in sexual sins. To be honest – many secular counselors may not even see porn viewing, adultery, or living together outside of marriage as wrong. In addition, some Christian counselors under-emphasize the motivational role provided by the gospel good news which is vital for this struggle. On our web site we provide a list of counselors who specialize in the area of sexual sins and understand the powerful motivation provided by Jesus (For Christ’s love us… 2 Cor 5:14).

FAQ

You often recommend counseling, but isn’t counseling expensive?

While professional counseling is rarely on the “value menu”, consider this—The progression of your porn problem will cost you immensely more than any counselor will charge.  If you lose your marriage, your job, your reputation, or your faith, you will lose something much more valuable than a few hundred dollars.  Think of it in reverse—If you could pay a few hundred dollars and relive the last few years of your life without the wreckage of porn, would you?  Of course!  So, don’t let a week’s paycheck get in the way of your path to years of future victory over this sin.

FAQ

Am I Really Addicted?

Even one lingering view is sin, of course, and sin needs to be confronted regardless.  Addiction is defined various ways, but for our purposes, if the answer to any of the following questions is yes, you likely have a serious problem with this sin:

  • Have you told yourself numerous times, “This is the last time I’ll do this,” and failed to stay away? (lack of control)
  • Do you find yourself having the urge to view when you are under stress or as a way to feel good? (craving)
  • Do you view in spite of what might happen if you get caught? (lack of fear of consequences)
  • Are you frustrated by a sense of being powerless against this sin at times? (compulsion)

We also recommend you check out the FAQ about whether addiction is sin or disease.

FAQ

Am I the only one in my church who is struggling?

NO.  According to studies or surveys compiled by Covenant Eyes:

Among general public:
“Today, 68% of young adult men and 18% of women use porn at least once every week. Another 17% of men and another 30% of women use porn 1-2 times per month. This means for 85% of young men and nearly half of young women, watching porn is at least a monthly activity.”

Among Christians:
“50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women say they are addicted to pornography.”
Among workers called into ministry:
“51% of pastors say Internet pornography is a possible temptation.”

What now

What do I do now?

What do I do now?

For those reading this, you have the blessing of Conquerors Through Christ.

He has let out his nasty little secret. His burden has been put down; he feels relief and asks for forgiveness. You just got dumped on. You are in shock, angry, in disbelief, and cut to the core. Forgive? How? Do I stay? Do I go? How can I go? How far has he gone? With whom? How much do I need to know? How much can I handle? Am I safe? How could I ever trust him again? You have been traumatized.

Just what do you do?

Let the Tears Fall

They clear the heart and mind. Breathe. Slow and deep…just keep breathing.

Find Good Counsel

For me, my Pastor was my first go to, a safe haven, taking me to the Lord in prayer, helping me lay my burdens at His feet and learn to LET GO! Proverbs 3:5 | “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” 1Peter 5:7 | “Cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you.”

I also found a secular counselor to deal with depression and anxiety. Finding a Christian counselor was not enough; he/she had to know the need for the Savior as well as understand addiction and the trauma to a spouse. For those reading this, you have the blessing of Conquerors Through Christ. Editor’s Note: Conquerors through Christ does not offer direct, professional counseling, but we are very willing and able to connect you professional, Christian counselors who understand the psychology and the Gospel.

Give Yourself Grace

Allow yourself to mourn the losses, be angry for a while, and go through the cycles of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sorrow, and Acceptance. If you find yourself stuck in Angry-ville – get help! Anger is justified, but it should not last months on end and should never be violent in any way.

  • Shock is often fleeting, lasting minutes, hours, maybe days.
  • Denial: He just can’t be an addict; he is the model husband, a solid member of our church, a good father, a good man.
  • Anger: You start to realize he MAY actually be an addict. You get the full force of the betrayal. Things start making sense – the missing money, the late work nights, the silence and alone feeling even sitting right next to him. You begin to understand the impact this will have on your life: STD testing, counseling, support groups, healing, time in prayer and study.
  • Bargaining: God, if this isn’t true or if he isn’t an addict or if this could all go away, then I will promise to …
  • Sorrow: The deep sadness that accompanies the realization your life, through no fault of your own, has been forever changed. The life you dreamed of with this man will never be. Who you thought he was, is shattered. You feel as though you don’t know him anymore.
  • Acceptance: You accept his addiction. You stop blaming or looking for a magic fix. You begin recovery – your own. You become honest, even when it hurts. You can forgive.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Human nature doesn’t always allow us to forget such a painful act or the impact it has on our lives. I had a pastor years ago who taught us to forgive and remember – learn the lesson, but don’t hold a grudge. Forgiving helps you grow. Forgiving my husband gave me such peace! Withholding just kept the anger alive. And guilt – how could I accept God’s forgiveness for me and not forgive my husband? How could I go to communion and receive all it has to offer, when my heart held resentment – and worse? I would put my eternal life at risk. Colossians 3:13 | “Forgive, as the Lord forgave you.”

Forgiving also does not mean trusting. He has to earn that back through his actions. You are accepting and letting go of the past, starting anew, on to a new relationship with him, the old one is gone. If he is repentant, and even if he isn’t, forgive.

Pray

Oh, how important this one is! I debated putting it first. Pray every morning for help and guidance throughout your day. Pray during the day when life seems overwhelming. Pray every night, thanking God for helping you through the day, and ask for restful sleep. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 | Pray without ceasing. The un-uttered cries of your soul are heard by God. He knows what you need. Let Him give you His shelter, comfort and guidance. Philippians 4:6 | Be anxious (worry) for nothing. But in all things, by prayer and petition, ….present your requests to the Lord.

Read

The Bible. Find a concordance and look up whatever you are feeling at the time: Sorrow, Forgiveness, Worthiness, Beauty, Marriage, Family, Trust, Divorce. Our church had a Bible reading challenge to read the New Testament in 40 days. That got me into the Bible regularly, showing me how much of it I had never read, had never heard – even growing up in a parochial grade school, attending Sunday School for 8 years, and High School. It made me more comfortable really searching for what I needed. Some friends said they would let the book fall open and read to whatever God lead them.

Spousal Recovery Books – there are so many!!! I found Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado. Dr. Weiss has written many books on the subject. The group I attended for spouses used his workbooks – a 12 step recovery program. The first read they recommend is Partners: Healing from His Addiction by Dr. Doug Weiss. I also recently finished reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Steffens and Means. I wished I had read it second – the lady authors write from experience, giving understanding, direction and advice so needed. Co-Dependent No More, by Beattie is one I fought reading. I wasn’t co-dependent! I didn’t support and condone his behavior! After only a few chapters, I found out I understood co-dependency all wrong. It made many relationships in my life more clear. To save money, I turned to Amazon.com. It is much more affordable than hitting the local or counselor’s bookstore. I have 5 typed pages of suggested reading materials, most of which I have not begun to read in 5 years! Ask your counselor for suggestions for you.

Care for Yourself

Get what you need. A message, pedicure, manicure is worth every penny. Go for a walk in the park or favorite woods. Garden or craft or read for enjoyment. Even 5 minutes a day. Get your mind off the issues of the day for a little while. Learn Tai Chi or yoga. My counselor recommended taking a trip away, alone at least once a quarter. It felt weird at first – and every time! But it was good to get away from the routine and the everyday reminders and do what I wanted, when I wanted, stay up late or sleep in. Find a friend. Someone in a recovery group is best, but if you have one friend you can confide in, ask her to be there by the phone for when you need to vent, to cry, to share at any time. She doesn’t have to say or do anything, just let you process. It should be someone who will not make judgments, or will keep them to herself, someone who will not tell you what you need to do before you’re ready. She must be trustworthy.

Don’t Make Any Important Decisions

…for a while, at least. Some say a year. Don’t feel you have to choose to stay or divorce right away. Don’t make a decision today you may regret tomorrow. Give yourself time to calm down and think rationally again. Do your research. Talk to a lawyer – initial consultation can be free, even if you are certain you will never take that route. The knowledge you will obtain is empowering, freeing. With that information, make an action plan, both short term and long term. What do you need to leave? What do you need to stay? How can you obtain that goal? Schooling? A Job? How can you become independent? Counseling or group? Make it as detailed as you can. Utilize it when and if you need. It takes much off your mind just knowing you have an action plan.

Hearing your prince has a deal-breaking flaw, that he broke the vows he pledged at your wedding, can be devastating. Don’t let it rule your future. You can be whole again. You can find peace.

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless shame we bear
all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations, is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful? Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness. Take it to the Lord in Prayer.

What a Friend We Have in Jesus vs. 1-2, by Joseph M. Scriven

John 14:27 | Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you.

Author: Anabelle Woods