Tag Archive for: Recover

FAQ

How do I manage everything I feel in addition to everything that is complicated/changed?

You feel hurt. You feel damaged. Therefore, step 1 looks inward: you need to take real, personal care of yourself. You should seriously consider finding a counselor to help you through this tough stage. Whether or not you choose to connect with a counselor, there are good resources available. Conquerors through Christ is constantly producing new resources to encourage, equip, and inspire you. COSA (Codependents of Sexual Addiction) is a support program for spouses. If there is a chapter near you, you may want to start attending. These resources will give you a safe place to begin your recovery.

FAQ

Will I ever be able to be happy again? Where do I start?

These are wonderful questions for all of us to consider, not just those who are struggling with the killer we call porn. Without being too simplistic, this question can be answered with one word: Jesus. Psalm 73:25 says, “Earth has nothing I desire but you.” The Psalmist is pointing us to God alone for the answer to our greatest desires. Paul agrees in Ephesians 1 when he tells us that every spiritual blessing is found “in Christ.”

What does that mean practically? It means truly knowing Jesus and realizing what he’s giving you right here and right now. Once the Holy Spirit starts to open your eyes, you will find immense joy even as you deal with the painful situations of this sin-filled world. For example…You have a perfect spouse in Jesus. Jesus is the one who laid down his life for his bride, the Church (all believers). You have one who pursues you, calls you beautiful, and truly keeps his vows to you. You are pure in Jesus. Jesus washed you of your sin (1 Cor. 6) and made you holy in God’s sight (Col. 1). You couldn’t be better looking or more spotless than you are right now (!!!) in Jesus. You have an eternity of joyful days in Jesus. Paul said in Romans 8 that the tears of this world are not even worth comparing to what’s waiting for us at Jesus’ side. You have purpose in Jesus. Even if porn ruined your dreams for life, Jesus still has good works lined up for you to do (Eph. 2). Who knows? Maybe God will use the pain porn caused to help you do good to many others.

We could go on and on. You asked where to start and my answer is–Jesus. Dig down deep into his promises and put down some deep gospel roots. That is what you’ll need to be blessed and rejoice despite the dark days porn brings.

FAQ

How do I deal with discovering that my loved one is a porn addict?

A few basic ideas are crucial for you right now:

  • Personal repentance: Make sure to consistently confess your own sin against God and against him. That will keep your heart tender and your spirit compassionate.
  • Prayer: God changes things through prayer. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other,” James said, “so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16) Don’t underestimate the power of a prayer in Jesus’ name. Pray for the heart. Pray for eyes to be opened to the goodness of God that led our Father to label lust as demonic and destructive. Pray for your ability to forgive and love just as Jesus loves you.
  • Community: You need mature Christian friends to help you through this. You don’t need “friends” who pounce and just get angry just to make you feel better. You do need friends who love the addict, love their soul, love your marriage, and will be honest with you both. The Proverbs say, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses,” so turn to friends who will be honest with you for the sake of your marriage and your spiritual health.
FAQ

Am I obligated to stay with a porn-addicted spouse?

This depends on a whole host of issues, so you’ll want to see a pastor for more specific advice. If you aren’t married, then no. You don’t HAVE to stay in that relationship. If you are married, then maybe. Did they cross the “flesh line” and physically cheat? Are they battling this sin with repentance and the gospel? Are they sorry for the sin and trying to love you – or have you been deserted by them, immersed in marriage-wrecking porn? There are too many variables to answer such a vital question simply. Once again, please see your pastor to help you through this painful time.

FAQ

How do I stay with him after everything he’s done?

On a very basic level, forgiveness is the answer. Keeping a record of wrongs, throwing his sin in his face, punishing him with a lack of love/respect because of his sin will quickly detonate any hope you have a beautiful, God-exalting relationship. “Forgive one another just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph. 4:32) On a deeper level, you probably need the help of a mature Christian friend, a qualified counselor, and/or a pastor who loves you both and can guide you with God’s Word.

FAQ

Since I discovered that my husband looks at porn, I can’t stand sexual contact. I despise that there are these hidden, digital sexual partners. What do I do?

Porn kills. Porn is killing your intimacy, your trust, and your joy in being with your husband sexually. Is your husband sorry for his sin? Is he battling porn? Is he a struggling sinner or is he accepting this intimacy-murdering sin as something normal for guys to do? Is he kind and compassionate to you or is he defensive and demanding sexually?

Let’s assume that your husband is crushed by his sin and is generally loving towards you. If he’s not, I might recommend a different approach, so please read the following with that assumption in mind.

First, you would be surprised how men and women view porn differently. Lust and love are two different things, though women tend to view them as the same. A male porn addict is typically not in love – marital love – with the object of his lust. At the same time, men fail to realize that their lustful addiction makes women question their beauty and worth.
Second, it is vital for you to understand your own place in this situation. Try not to speak to him from a place of “perfection,” but with the compassionate heart of a person who understands how valuable forgiveness is.

Finally, and this is the hardest point to address, punishing your husband by denying him godly intimacy is rarely wise because it is one-sided – it is not adding to your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to keep being intimate, though. Sitting down with him, talking through a resolution, and setting aside a time of no sex can have value, but it should be mutual – the two of you are together in this battle. (If there are other issues of coercion, abuse, pressure, etc. in your marriage, please seek immediate help/professional counseling.) 1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that serving each other sexually helps protect our spouses from sexual sin. Your husband must relearn what it means to pursue you and take care of you in an intimate context. You can help him avoid the temptation to pursue sexual gratification from porn by being clear and honest about your sexual desires and by caring for his.

FAQ

Does God see pornography as physically cheating on your spouse/significant other?

Remember that anything that is contrary to God’s Word and will is sin, whether it is our thoughts, our words or our deeds. Jesus warns us: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19). Our Savior also warned in his sermon on the mount: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Viewing pornography is heart sexual immorality (for single people) and heart adultery (for married people)—sins against God. The child of God will want to escape and avoid the sin of pornography. They can and will do this by remembering that God has cleansed them from all of their sins which empowers them to “leave their life of sin.”

FAQ

Why do you recommend a Christian counselor? Won’t just any counselor work?

Not necessarily. While there are many available qualified counselors, not all of them specialize in sexual sins. To be honest – many secular counselors may not even see porn viewing, adultery, or living together outside of marriage as wrong. In addition, some Christian counselors under-emphasize the motivational role provided by the gospel good news which is vital for this struggle. On our web site we provide a list of counselors who specialize in the area of sexual sins and understand the powerful motivation provided by Jesus (For Christ’s love us… 2 Cor 5:14).

FAQ

You often recommend counseling, but isn’t counseling expensive?

While professional counseling is rarely on the “value menu”, consider this—The progression of your porn problem will cost you immensely more than any counselor will charge.  If you lose your marriage, your job, your reputation, or your faith, you will lose something much more valuable than a few hundred dollars.  Think of it in reverse—If you could pay a few hundred dollars and relive the last few years of your life without the wreckage of porn, would you?  Of course!  So, don’t let a week’s paycheck get in the way of your path to years of future victory over this sin.

FAQ

I just found out my husband has been looking at porn – I am so shocked and so hurt. Is this my fault?

First of all, we are so sorry for your pain. And no, this is not your fault. What your husband has been doing is wrong, but you did not cause him to sin. We are all responsible for our own actions.

Because of the deep emotional wound this sin causes, you will likely need spiritual and professional help (pastor, Christian counselor) overcoming your hurt. Similarly, your husband will need help overcoming his sin.  If your husband is willing to get the help he needs, praise God.  Encourage him to follow through. Though it may seem impossible at the moment, at some point, we pray by God’s grace you can forgive your husband and be part of the help he needs.  Your support and loving accountability can play key roles is his eventual victory over this sin.

If your husband out of fear or denial is not ready to get help, pray for him.  Show him this web site.  Seek help for yourself and request the prayers of your pastor or Christian counselor for him.