SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

Porn kills. Porn is killing your intimacy, your trust, and your joy in being with your husband sexually. Is your husband sorry for his sin? Is he battling porn? Is he a struggling sinner or is he accepting this intimacy-murdering sin as something normal for guys to do? Is he kind and compassionate to you or is he defensive and demanding sexually?

Let’s assume that your husband is crushed by his sin and is generally loving towards you. If he’s not, I might recommend a different approach, so please read the following with that assumption in mind.

First, you would be surprised how men and women view porn differently. Lust and love are two different things, though women tend to view them as the same. A male porn addict is typically not in love – marital love – with the object of his lust. At the same time, men fail to realize that their lustful addiction makes women question their beauty and worth.
Second, it is vital for you to understand your own place in this situation. Try not to speak to him from a place of “perfection,” but with the compassionate heart of a person who understands how valuable forgiveness is.

Finally, and this is the hardest point to address, punishing your husband by denying him godly intimacy is rarely wise because it is one-sided – it is not adding to your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to keep being intimate, though. Sitting down with him, talking through a resolution, and setting aside a time of no sex can have value, but it should be mutual – the two of you are together in this battle. (If there are other issues of coercion, abuse, pressure, etc. in your marriage, please seek immediate help/professional counseling.) 1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that serving each other sexually helps protect our spouses from sexual sin. Your husband must relearn what it means to pursue you and take care of you in an intimate context. You can help him avoid the temptation to pursue sexual gratification from porn by being clear and honest about your sexual desires and by caring for his.

Be somewhat careful about opening up. We recommend that you do not to open up to all your friends and family.  Some will be supportive, some will struggle to understand – and some may be very critical of you or your spouse. Speak with a counselor. Find a support group like COSA, AL-ANON or S-ANON.  It would be better to keep quiet than to speak with a friend who will be critical or non supportive of you.

In a case like this, addiction has likely replaced relationship. Porn’s advantage (and lie) is that it is always new and different. Your addicted spouse needs to admit that they are addicted before any progress can be made.

Your job is your recovery. You cannot Recover for someone else. Pestering or pressuring someone to Recover will not work. Cooperation and teamwork are valuable because they give responsibility to all parties involved.

For your personal recovery, focus on your vocations. Be the family member, church member, and member of society that God made you to be.

You did nothing wrong.  You probably were a good wife. It is an addiction, not a response.  He was looking for the feeling he gets from the pursuit and the guilty pleasure.  He is always looking for another fix, another high, just like a drug addict.  As long as he is in the addiction, no one will be “good enough”.