Someone I love is using porn
Resources to help you Recover from the wreckage porn has wreaked on your relationship
One of the most difficult aspects of recovery is rebuilding trust. This can be a long arduous process, but professional guidance helps significantly. We highly recommend you see a Qualified Counselor to guide both of you toward renewed trust, as well as help your spouse or significant other learn to Reject the need for pornography.
Note: Conquerors through Christ recognizes the need for additional resources that will help in the Recovery process. Check back here or subscribe to our newsletter to be notified when new resources become available.
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Frequently Asked Questions
This depends on a whole host of issues, so you’ll want to see a pastor for more specific advice. If you aren’t married, then no. You don’t HAVE to stay in that relationship. If you are married, then maybe. Did they cross the “flesh line” and physically cheat? Are they battling this sin with repentance and the gospel? Are they sorry for the sin and trying to love you – or have you been deserted by them, immersed in marriage-wrecking porn? There are too many variables to answer such a vital question simply. Once again, please see your pastor to help you through this painful time.
You do not have to lie, but neither should you be the one to share his problems. Take 30 minutes and write out some potential, hypothetical responses for different social situations. This way, you’ll be prepared if questions come up and avoid saying more than you intend to share. You may even want to practice these responses when you are alone.
Here are some samples:
- “We are having some difficulties right now.”
- “We have some issues to work through, so we’re separated for a while – until things are settled.”
- “We are seeking help as we work through some things.”
- You can even be very vague: “It’s hard, but we’re working.”
No one has the right to pressure you to say more than you are comfortable with at the time. Listen to your friend’s responses, and if you feel comfortable you can share more, but only when you are ready. Be aware that a group dynamic is different from a personal conversation.
Remember that anything that is contrary to God’s Word and will is sin, whether it is our thoughts, our words or our deeds. Jesus warns us: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19). Our Savior also warned in his sermon on the mount: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Viewing pornography is heart sexual immorality (for single people) and heart adultery (for married people)—sins against God. The child of God will want to escape and avoid the sin of pornography. They can and will do this by remembering that God has cleansed them from all of their sins which empowers them to “leave their life of sin.”
Porn and sex addiction take place when a person has taken him/herself out of the context of right and wrong, losing control and the power of choice. It includes lust, in any form, and sex in any form, including sex with oneself.
Find comfort and hope in the great promises of God. “Cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Try to take it one day at a time and one prayer at a time. Allow yourself time for sadness – it clears the heart and mind. Find good counsel, whether it is with a loved one, a pastor, or a professional counselor. Go through the cycles of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sorrow, and Acceptance. Anger can be justified, but it should not last months and should never be violent.
Accountability in Christian Community
Rejecting porn takes help both from God and from fellow Christians. What do you confess and how often?
The Accountability in Christian Community guidebook helps accountability or encouragement partners and small groups embrace the power of honesty, prioritize gospel responses, and create Christian environments filled with grace and truth.
For those struggling to escape the wreckage caused by porn usage, it can be helpful to view the problem from other points of view. We invite you to view our other resources, especially those created to help the person caught in the sin of porn to Reject Satan’s lies (Myself page). Also you may want to enlist other allies in the battle to help your loved one escape porn usage. The Friends and Family page has resources that can help those allies.