SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

This depends on you.  You have 4 options:

1. Do nothing, know nothing and go on as if life is just fine. (It won’t stay that way.)
2. Know every detail of everything. This can be dangerous because detail can get in the way of forgiveness.
3. Know the “types” of things your partner has done.
4. Know the basic actions – watched porn, went to a sex shop, had an affair, visited a prostitute – so you know how to protect your marriage.
5. Simply know they are addicted to porn or sex and try to move forward.

Talk to your friend about it. Tell the person why you suspect he or she might be viewing porn and make it clear you are concerned and want to help. Tell the person that he or she is forgiven through Christ. Recommend this website. Offer to be an accountability partner. Offer to help the person find the right people that can help him or her (pastors, Christian counselors, etc). Pray for your friend often.

Do not minimize or rationalize the sin.  (If the person is in denial, help him or her understand how serious the sin is.)  On the other hand, do not condemn the person.  Do not act as if the sin is unforgiveable or worse than all other sins that God detests (pride, selfishness, etc.).

First of all, we are so sorry for your pain. And no, this is not your fault. What your husband has been doing is wrong, but you did not cause him to sin. We are all responsible for our own actions.

Because of the deep emotional wound this sin causes, you will likely need spiritual and professional help (pastor, Christian counselor) overcoming your hurt. Similarly, your husband will need help overcoming his sin.  If your husband is willing to get the help he needs, praise God.  Encourage him to follow through. Though it may seem impossible at the moment, at some point, we pray by God’s grace you can forgive your husband and be part of the help he needs.  Your support and loving accountability can play key roles is his eventual victory over this sin.

If your husband out of fear or denial is not ready to get help, pray for him.  Show him this web site.  Seek help for yourself and request the prayers of your pastor or Christian counselor for him.

First of all, our hearts go out to you. Stumbling upon a betrayal of trust and fidelity is a painful experience, so we are praying for you and your husband.

What should you do? The first step would be to gently and firmly confront him. Galatians 6 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” You caught your husband in his sin. Now, it’s time to restore him.

As you prepare for that conversation, pray for humility despite your hurt. Pray for a stubborn belief that his feelings in the moment are not as important as his future with you (and God!). Yes, he will probably not react perfectly, but God allowed you to find his stash for a reason. God wants to save your husband from the porn that will kill so many of the things he loves.

If he repents and apologizes to you and to God, forgive him. Tell him about the Jesus who died to save sexual sinners. Love him despite his sin, just like Jesus loves you despite yours. Continue to show him respect and kindness, even though he doesn’t deserve it.

If he doesn’t repent, pray for him and refuse to drop the issue. His soul is too valuable to do anything less.

As far as telling others, that is really a judgment call. I wouldn’t call the pastor, his best friend, or a counselor just because you found his porn. Instead, I would encourage him to take that step himself. Help him to see the value of a band of brothers to help him in the struggle. You can use CtC’s videos/resources to encourage him to do just that.

If he minimizes it and blows you off, tell him you need to get others involved. Show him 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 and insist that his soul is too important to you and you won’t let his pride be the cause of his condemnation. I hope it doesn’t get to this point, but what matters most is his eternity.

Blessings on your upcoming conversation. May the Holy Spirit guide you and give you the right words at the right time!

You don’t need to compete. Remember that addiction is not the same as reality. This addiction has less to do with you, who you are, what you look like, or what you’re willing to do and more to do with an activity that leads to a feeling – the pursuit of guilty pleasure.  Addicts always seek another high. Understanding this will free you to be yourself, and you are a 3-dimensional person who cares. The models in porn can’t compete with that.