On a very basic level, forgiveness is the answer. Keeping a record of wrongs, throwing his sin in his face, punishing him with a lack of love/respect because of his sin will quickly detonate any hope you have a beautiful, God-exalting relationship. “Forgive one another just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph. 4:32) On a deeper level, you probably need the help of a mature Christian friend, a qualified counselor, and/or a pastor who loves you both and can guide you with God’s Word.
Porn kills. Porn is killing your intimacy, your trust, and your joy in being with your husband sexually. Is your husband sorry for his sin? Is he battling porn? Is he a struggling sinner or is he accepting this intimacy-murdering sin as something normal for guys to do? Is he kind and compassionate to you or is he defensive and demanding sexually?
Let’s assume that your husband is crushed by his sin and is generally loving towards you. If he’s not, I might recommend a different approach, so please read the following with that assumption in mind.
First, you would be surprised how men and women view porn differently. Lust and love are two different things, though women tend to view them as the same. A male porn addict is typically not in love – marital love – with the object of his lust. At the same time, men fail to realize that their lustful addiction makes women question their beauty and worth.
Second, it is vital for you to understand your own place in this situation. Try not to speak to him from a place of “perfection,” but with the compassionate heart of a person who understands how valuable forgiveness is.
Finally, and this is the hardest point to address, punishing your husband by denying him godly intimacy is rarely wise because it is one-sided – it is not adding to your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to keep being intimate, though. Sitting down with him, talking through a resolution, and setting aside a time of no sex can have value, but it should be mutual – the two of you are together in this battle. (If there are other issues of coercion, abuse, pressure, etc. in your marriage, please seek immediate help/professional counseling.) 1 Corinthians 7 reminds us that serving each other sexually helps protect our spouses from sexual sin. Your husband must relearn what it means to pursue you and take care of you in an intimate context. You can help him avoid the temptation to pursue sexual gratification from porn by being clear and honest about your sexual desires and by caring for his.
First of all, we are so sorry for your pain. And no, this is not your fault. What your husband has been doing is wrong, but you did not cause him to sin. We are all responsible for our own actions.
Because of the deep emotional wound this sin causes, you will likely need spiritual and professional help (pastor, Christian counselor) overcoming your hurt. Similarly, your husband will need help overcoming his sin. If your husband is willing to get the help he needs, praise God. Encourage him to follow through. Though it may seem impossible at the moment, at some point, we pray by God’s grace you can forgive your husband and be part of the help he needs. Your support and loving accountability can play key roles is his eventual victory over this sin.
If your husband out of fear or denial is not ready to get help, pray for him. Show him this web site. Seek help for yourself and request the prayers of your pastor or Christian counselor for him.
I am sorry for the heart-breaking news you received from your boyfriend. It is never easy to hear that someone you like “likes” to look at other women in a sexual way.
Let me offer one comment to your statement and two answers to your questions:
Comment:
Your boyfriend says he likes to look at porn. Does that mean he is admitting/confessing that his sinful nature is drawn to it (like hundreds of millions/billions of people)? Or does that he mean he likes it and plans to keep looking at it with no regard for you, for God, or for the clear passages of Scripture about porn (Eph. 5, 1 Cor. 6, Mt. 5, etc.)?
My answer to your questions is nearly entirely based on his attitude towards his sin.
Answer #1:
Will he stop when you get married? I don’t know. We at CtC know conquering habitual porn use is not easy, but it is possible. With a constant reliance on God’s love for sexual sinners and a constant willingness to confess sexual sin to others (friends, pastors, counselors, significant others, etc.), there is incredible hope that porn will become part of his past.
But make no mistake–Getting married, having sex, etc. will not “cure” his problem. Sin is stubborn and porn will not go down without a fight. (That’s why I mentioned above that his desire to fight this sin is so crucial.)
Answer #2:
What if he doesn’t stop? If he has no plans to stop, I would caution you against marrying him. A man who vows to love you but plans to despise you through his porn use knows nothing about Christian love and will break your heart with his digital harem.
If, however, he hates his sin, loves Jesus, and wants to love you with pure eyes and a sexuality that belongs only to your marriage, then the choice is up to you. You have idols, too, and he has to wrestle with the same question–Is he ready to love someone who will sin against him? Are you ready to walk with him on this long journey that leads to heaven, even if it means he battles porn for years, if not decades of your marriage?
I can’t tell you what to do (nor is that my place). I can, however, tell you that a man who loves God, hates sin, and wants to go to war against porn is a great man with a great Spirit within him. Those are the ones you might not want to let go of.
First of all, our hearts go out to you. Stumbling upon a betrayal of trust and fidelity is a painful experience, so we are praying for you and your husband.
What should you do? The first step would be to gently and firmly confront him. Galatians 6 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” You caught your husband in his sin. Now, it’s time to restore him.
As you prepare for that conversation, pray for humility despite your hurt. Pray for a stubborn belief that his feelings in the moment are not as important as his future with you (and God!). Yes, he will probably not react perfectly, but God allowed you to find his stash for a reason. God wants to save your husband from the porn that will kill so many of the things he loves.
If he repents and apologizes to you and to God, forgive him. Tell him about the Jesus who died to save sexual sinners. Love him despite his sin, just like Jesus loves you despite yours. Continue to show him respect and kindness, even though he doesn’t deserve it.
If he doesn’t repent, pray for him and refuse to drop the issue. His soul is too valuable to do anything less.
As far as telling others, that is really a judgment call. I wouldn’t call the pastor, his best friend, or a counselor just because you found his porn. Instead, I would encourage him to take that step himself. Help him to see the value of a band of brothers to help him in the struggle. You can use CtC’s videos/resources to encourage him to do just that.
If he minimizes it and blows you off, tell him you need to get others involved. Show him 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 and insist that his soul is too important to you and you won’t let his pride be the cause of his condemnation. I hope it doesn’t get to this point, but what matters most is his eternity.
Blessings on your upcoming conversation. May the Holy Spirit guide you and give you the right words at the right time!