You know what you need to know to offer the person forgiveness. Do that as you would for any sin. But because of the nature of this addiction, it is highly recommended that you refer him or her to a good Christian counselor who specializes in porn addiction. This will offer the person the best chance for recovery from the addiction. But you will likely still need to be the primary individual there to help your member with day-to-day spiritual doubts and struggles.
Not necessarily. While there are many available qualified counselors, not all of them specialize in sexual sins. To be honest – many secular counselors may not even see porn viewing, adultery, or living together outside of marriage as wrong. In addition, some Christian counselors under-emphasize the motivational role provided by the gospel good news which is vital for this struggle. On our web site we provide a list of counselors who specialize in the area of sexual sins and understand the powerful motivation provided by Jesus (For Christ’s love us… 2 Cor 5:14).
While professional counseling is rarely on the “value menu”, consider this—The progression of your porn problem will cost you immensely more than any counselor will charge. If you lose your marriage, your job, your reputation, or your faith, you will lose something much more valuable than a few hundred dollars. Think of it in reverse—If you could pay a few hundred dollars and relive the last few years of your life without the wreckage of porn, would you? Of course! So, don’t let a week’s paycheck get in the way of your path to years of future victory over this sin.
First of all, we are so sorry for your pain. And no, this is not your fault. What your husband has been doing is wrong, but you did not cause him to sin. We are all responsible for our own actions.
Because of the deep emotional wound this sin causes, you will likely need spiritual and professional help (pastor, Christian counselor) overcoming your hurt. Similarly, your husband will need help overcoming his sin. If your husband is willing to get the help he needs, praise God. Encourage him to follow through. Though it may seem impossible at the moment, at some point, we pray by God’s grace you can forgive your husband and be part of the help he needs. Your support and loving accountability can play key roles is his eventual victory over this sin.
If your husband out of fear or denial is not ready to get help, pray for him. Show him this web site. Seek help for yourself and request the prayers of your pastor or Christian counselor for him.
Even one lingering view is sin, of course, and sin needs to be confronted regardless. Addiction is defined various ways, but for our purposes, if the answer to any of the following questions is yes, you likely have a serious problem with this sin:
We also recommend you check out the FAQ about whether addiction is sin or disease.
NO. According to studies or surveys compiled by Covenant Eyes:
Among general public:
“Today, 68% of young adult men and 18% of women use porn at least once every week. Another 17% of men and another 30% of women use porn 1-2 times per month. This means for 85% of young men and nearly half of young women, watching porn is at least a monthly activity.”
Among Christians:
“50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women say they are addicted to pornography.”
Among workers called into ministry:
“51% of pastors say Internet pornography is a possible temptation.”
I am sorry for the heart-breaking news you received from your boyfriend. It is never easy to hear that someone you like “likes” to look at other women in a sexual way.
Let me offer one comment to your statement and two answers to your questions:
Comment:
Your boyfriend says he likes to look at porn. Does that mean he is admitting/confessing that his sinful nature is drawn to it (like hundreds of millions/billions of people)? Or does that he mean he likes it and plans to keep looking at it with no regard for you, for God, or for the clear passages of Scripture about porn (Eph. 5, 1 Cor. 6, Mt. 5, etc.)?
My answer to your questions is nearly entirely based on his attitude towards his sin.
Answer #1:
Will he stop when you get married? I don’t know. We at CtC know conquering habitual porn use is not easy, but it is possible. With a constant reliance on God’s love for sexual sinners and a constant willingness to confess sexual sin to others (friends, pastors, counselors, significant others, etc.), there is incredible hope that porn will become part of his past.
But make no mistake–Getting married, having sex, etc. will not “cure” his problem. Sin is stubborn and porn will not go down without a fight. (That’s why I mentioned above that his desire to fight this sin is so crucial.)
Answer #2:
What if he doesn’t stop? If he has no plans to stop, I would caution you against marrying him. A man who vows to love you but plans to despise you through his porn use knows nothing about Christian love and will break your heart with his digital harem.
If, however, he hates his sin, loves Jesus, and wants to love you with pure eyes and a sexuality that belongs only to your marriage, then the choice is up to you. You have idols, too, and he has to wrestle with the same question–Is he ready to love someone who will sin against him? Are you ready to walk with him on this long journey that leads to heaven, even if it means he battles porn for years, if not decades of your marriage?
I can’t tell you what to do (nor is that my place). I can, however, tell you that a man who loves God, hates sin, and wants to go to war against porn is a great man with a great Spirit within him. Those are the ones you might not want to let go of.
First of all, our hearts go out to you. Stumbling upon a betrayal of trust and fidelity is a painful experience, so we are praying for you and your husband.
What should you do? The first step would be to gently and firmly confront him. Galatians 6 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” You caught your husband in his sin. Now, it’s time to restore him.
As you prepare for that conversation, pray for humility despite your hurt. Pray for a stubborn belief that his feelings in the moment are not as important as his future with you (and God!). Yes, he will probably not react perfectly, but God allowed you to find his stash for a reason. God wants to save your husband from the porn that will kill so many of the things he loves.
If he repents and apologizes to you and to God, forgive him. Tell him about the Jesus who died to save sexual sinners. Love him despite his sin, just like Jesus loves you despite yours. Continue to show him respect and kindness, even though he doesn’t deserve it.
If he doesn’t repent, pray for him and refuse to drop the issue. His soul is too valuable to do anything less.
As far as telling others, that is really a judgment call. I wouldn’t call the pastor, his best friend, or a counselor just because you found his porn. Instead, I would encourage him to take that step himself. Help him to see the value of a band of brothers to help him in the struggle. You can use CtC’s videos/resources to encourage him to do just that.
If he minimizes it and blows you off, tell him you need to get others involved. Show him 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 and insist that his soul is too important to you and you won’t let his pride be the cause of his condemnation. I hope it doesn’t get to this point, but what matters most is his eternity.
Blessings on your upcoming conversation. May the Holy Spirit guide you and give you the right words at the right time!
For those reading this, you have the blessing of Conquerors Through Christ.
He has let out his nasty little secret. His burden has been put down; he feels relief and asks for forgiveness. You just got dumped on. You are in shock, angry, in disbelief, and cut to the core. Forgive? How? Do I stay? Do I go? How can I go? How far has he gone? With whom? How much do I need to know? How much can I handle? Am I safe? How could I ever trust him again? You have been traumatized.
Just what do you do?
They clear the heart and mind. Breathe. Slow and deep…just keep breathing.
For me, my Pastor was my first go to, a safe haven, taking me to the Lord in prayer, helping me lay my burdens at His feet and learn to LET GO! Proverbs 3:5 | “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” 1Peter 5:7 | “Cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you.”
I also found a secular counselor to deal with depression and anxiety. Finding a Christian counselor was not enough; he/she had to know the need for the Savior as well as understand addiction and the trauma to a spouse. For those reading this, you have the blessing of Conquerors Through Christ. Editor’s Note: Conquerors through Christ does not offer direct, professional counseling, but we are very willing and able to connect you professional, Christian counselors who understand the psychology and the Gospel.
Allow yourself to mourn the losses, be angry for a while, and go through the cycles of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sorrow, and Acceptance. If you find yourself stuck in Angry-ville – get help! Anger is justified, but it should not last months on end and should never be violent in any way.
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Human nature doesn’t always allow us to forget such a painful act or the impact it has on our lives. I had a pastor years ago who taught us to forgive and remember – learn the lesson, but don’t hold a grudge. Forgiving helps you grow. Forgiving my husband gave me such peace! Withholding just kept the anger alive. And guilt – how could I accept God’s forgiveness for me and not forgive my husband? How could I go to communion and receive all it has to offer, when my heart held resentment – and worse? I would put my eternal life at risk. Colossians 3:13 | “Forgive, as the Lord forgave you.”
Forgiving also does not mean trusting. He has to earn that back through his actions. You are accepting and letting go of the past, starting anew, on to a new relationship with him, the old one is gone. If he is repentant, and even if he isn’t, forgive.
Oh, how important this one is! I debated putting it first. Pray every morning for help and guidance throughout your day. Pray during the day when life seems overwhelming. Pray every night, thanking God for helping you through the day, and ask for restful sleep. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 | Pray without ceasing. The un-uttered cries of your soul are heard by God. He knows what you need. Let Him give you His shelter, comfort and guidance. Philippians 4:6 | Be anxious (worry) for nothing. But in all things, by prayer and petition, ….present your requests to the Lord.
The Bible. Find a concordance and look up whatever you are feeling at the time: Sorrow, Forgiveness, Worthiness, Beauty, Marriage, Family, Trust, Divorce. Our church had a Bible reading challenge to read the New Testament in 40 days. That got me into the Bible regularly, showing me how much of it I had never read, had never heard – even growing up in a parochial grade school, attending Sunday School for 8 years, and High School. It made me more comfortable really searching for what I needed. Some friends said they would let the book fall open and read to whatever God lead them.
Spousal Recovery Books – there are so many!!! I found Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado. Dr. Weiss has written many books on the subject. The group I attended for spouses used his workbooks – a 12 step recovery program. The first read they recommend is Partners: Healing from His Addiction by Dr. Doug Weiss. I also recently finished reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Steffens and Means. I wished I had read it second – the lady authors write from experience, giving understanding, direction and advice so needed. Co-Dependent No More, by Beattie is one I fought reading. I wasn’t co-dependent! I didn’t support and condone his behavior! After only a few chapters, I found out I understood co-dependency all wrong. It made many relationships in my life more clear. To save money, I turned to Amazon.com. It is much more affordable than hitting the local or counselor’s bookstore. I have 5 typed pages of suggested reading materials, most of which I have not begun to read in 5 years! Ask your counselor for suggestions for you.
Get what you need. A message, pedicure, manicure is worth every penny. Go for a walk in the park or favorite woods. Garden or craft or read for enjoyment. Even 5 minutes a day. Get your mind off the issues of the day for a little while. Learn Tai Chi or yoga. My counselor recommended taking a trip away, alone at least once a quarter. It felt weird at first – and every time! But it was good to get away from the routine and the everyday reminders and do what I wanted, when I wanted, stay up late or sleep in. Find a friend. Someone in a recovery group is best, but if you have one friend you can confide in, ask her to be there by the phone for when you need to vent, to cry, to share at any time. She doesn’t have to say or do anything, just let you process. It should be someone who will not make judgments, or will keep them to herself, someone who will not tell you what you need to do before you’re ready. She must be trustworthy.
…for a while, at least. Some say a year. Don’t feel you have to choose to stay or divorce right away. Don’t make a decision today you may regret tomorrow. Give yourself time to calm down and think rationally again. Do your research. Talk to a lawyer – initial consultation can be free, even if you are certain you will never take that route. The knowledge you will obtain is empowering, freeing. With that information, make an action plan, both short term and long term. What do you need to leave? What do you need to stay? How can you obtain that goal? Schooling? A Job? How can you become independent? Counseling or group? Make it as detailed as you can. Utilize it when and if you need. It takes much off your mind just knowing you have an action plan.
Hearing your prince has a deal-breaking flaw, that he broke the vows he pledged at your wedding, can be devastating. Don’t let it rule your future. You can be whole again. You can find peace.
What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless shame we bear
all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations, is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful? Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness. Take it to the Lord in Prayer.
What a Friend We Have in Jesus vs. 1-2, by Joseph M. Scriven
John 14:27 | Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you.
Author: Anabelle Woods
Should you seek professional help?
People often wonder if they are addicted to a certain behavior. The big question people often ask with addictions is “when is too much…too much?” Well, here are some signs indicating when an addiction to pornography might be beyond self-help.
Should you seek professional help? Well, here may be some triggers to consider …
Author: Ed Frey