SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

You begin by focusing on the love of Jesus, because pound for pound and point for point Christ’s love is bigger than anything else. It may not feel like it, but it eclipses even the pain you’re feeling. Study, meditate on, and learn everything you can about this love. Do this day by day, step by step, and find that your pain is replaced.

First of all, even when it feels like you are, you are never alone – Christ is always with you. He promises to never leave or forsake you. Next, find a counselor to talk with, preferably one who is familiar with sex/porn addiction. Use the internet to find one (Conquerors through Christ has a list of trusted counselors.) Find a supportive group in which to participate, such as COSA, Heart to Heart Partners, or even ALANON. Groups like these help you understand that you are not alone in the struggle of living with an addict.

A few basic ideas are crucial for you right now:

• Personal repentance: Make sure to consistently confess your own sin against God and against him. That will keep your heart tender and your spirit compassionate.
• Prayer: God changes things through prayer. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other,” James said, “so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16) Don’t underestimate the power of a prayer in Jesus’ name. Pray for the heart. Pray for eyes to be opened to the goodness of God that led our Father to label lust as demonic and destructive. Pray for your ability to forgive and love just as Jesus loves you.
• Community: You need mature Christian friends to help you through this. You don’t need “friends” who pounce and just get angry just to make you feel better. You do need friends who love the addict, love their soul, love your marriage, and will be honest with you both. The Proverbs say, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses,” so turn to friends who will be honest with you for the sake of your marriage and your spiritual health.

This is a hard one. Be as open and fair as possible, and work to make a judgment based on analysis of all actions. Is there a change? Has help been sought? Is there a sponsor of some kind? These resources encourage honesty.

You feel hurt. You feel damaged. Therefore, step 1 looks inward: you need to take real, personal care of yourself. You should seriously consider finding a counselor to help you through this tough stage. Whether or not you choose to connect with a counselor, there are good resources available. Conquerors through Christ is constantly producing new resources to encourage, equip, and inspire you. COSA (Codependents of Sexual Addiction) is a support program for spouses. If there is a chapter near you, you may want to start attending. These resources will give you a safe place to begin your recovery.